gracie's musings

Walking with God is hard. I don’t think any of us fully understand what it means to follow Him because if we did, well, maybe we’d think twice. To wholeheartedly follow Him means the world, even those in Christian community, will think you are weird. You may be labeled as “too” Christian, if you know what I mean. You long for righteousness as your lungs long for air. It is not enough to go to Church and wear a cute little outfit or have your cute Bible study with your Instagram worthy journal and Bible camera shot. Now, to be clear, those things are not inherently wrong, but they are not sustainable. There are days when I could not see the pages of my Bible because my eyes were full of tears. Days when all I did was complain to the Lord. Days when the heaviness in my heart was too much to handle and it was in those moments where it made sense to me, for the first time, why people numb that very pain I felt. What happens then? Do you curse God? I’ve been close to doing that.

Just like anything in life, as I have slowly come to realize, the Christian walk is one of discipline. And, to be fair, it is a balancing act. One in which the ideal spot is to live in the tension, but I and many others are often out of line many times. In college, one of my deepest desires was to have an awe of God, joy-filled, continually mesmerized by Him, so in love that I could not get enough, but also a hunger to search the depths of Scripture and have a deep understanding of foundational theological truths. I did not want to be a baby, just singing Jesus loves me all day, with no depth, but I did not want to be a Pharisee and miss the glory of my First Love.

I don’t listen to worship music because it sounds nice. I don’t read Scripture because I have nothing else better to do. I engage in spiritual disciplines because of the moments in life where I want nothing to do with Scripture, prayer, fasting, worship, or Christian community. I’m no saint. I have my rough days. Many days in seasons of deep suffering, I don’t want to hear that the Lord is teaching me something. Maybe I just don’t want to learn the lesson. Sometimes, I would rather no one say anything then send me a Bible Verse because how is that going to help. Yet, I refuse to succumb to the Enemy’s schemes. I refuse to have him take away the fruits of the spirit I ask the Lord to continually grow me in. I would rather live a life of deep sorrow, then live a life of comfort with the hand of God off of my life.

When nothing seems to be going right, what are you going to turn to? I’ve already heard and seen that money, relationships, sex, and lucrative careers won’t cut it. So I choose to return again and again and again to the Son of Man. He was either a lunatic or the Son of God. Evidence would suggest the latter. I hope you choose Him too.